I'm A Little Bit Lost Without You
by Chocolate Scones
Summary: When Harry gets into a long term relationship, Nikki realises that there might be more to her feelings for him than she had always thought, but it's too little too late for them. Not a fantastic summary, but there we go!
1. Chapter 1

**Sooo a new fic! It was initially meant to be a one shot but it's involved into a five-chapter-long fic, but each chapter (especially the first) is quite short.**

**Thanks to Gemma for the prompt! The story wondered away from it, but I think it still works as the title of the fic.**

**Thanks to Nicky for beta-ing it for me annd for nagging me to get it done =P**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter One  
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Nikki placed the phone down onto the hook, her hand shaking and a tear running down her face; she never thought that she would have to do this, but it was too much, and things had gone too far.

She hadn't really been bothered by his girlfriends in the past, they had seemed almost irrelevant, but she hadn't imagined him in a long term relationship. Nikki and Harry just didn't _do _long term relationships; in the entire time that she'd been working there his longest relationship had lasted just over a month and hers just less than, but this was different; she had watched what she had thought would be another one of his two-weeks-maximum flings grow into something somewhat more substantial and serious.

She had rung Harry at a time when she knew he would be out; she couldn't tell him this personally because she just knew that she would burst into tears at his reaction. She knew that just leaving a message on his answering machine was cowardly, but it was all that she could manage, _"Harry…It's me Nikki…I just wanted to let you know that I'll be moving away in a couple of days…I've been offered a brilliant job in South Africa and they want me there right away, so I won't be working out my notice…sorry. I know you'll be happy. I know that you and Hilary are already happy, and I am so happy for you. Right, I'm going to stop saying 'happy' now…bye Harry."_

She poured herself a large glass of red wine and flopped down on the sofa in front of the television, wallowing in self pity and guilt for leaving such a crappy message, "How did it come to this Nikki?" She asked herself aloud taking a large gulp of the rather cheap yet intoxicating wine, "Why couldn't you just realise sooner?"

"_Right, I'm going to stop saying 'happy' now…bye Harry." _He nearly dropped the phone as he listened to the message, "Shit."

He sat down at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, wondering what he was going to do. He knew that he couldn't just simply ask her to stay; that things had somehow without him even noticing gone beyond that. She wouldn't just leave like that, not without a real reason. He realised that he must have done something wrong, though he couldn't think what.

What she had said dawned on him; she hadn't meant a word, she wasn't happy and she didn't truly wish for him and Hilary to be happy, she couldn't. With anyone else he would have called it selfishness, an 'If-I-can't-have-you-no-one-can' type thing, but this was Nikki. He didn't understand, was she jealous of Hilary? He had been jealous of her past boyfriends, not that he would admit it. He had just wanted to protect her from getting hurt, and maybe she was trying to do the same, but anyone could see that Hilary would never hurt Harry; she was too in love with him to do that.

He kept going over it in his head, wondering why Nikki was doing this, what she had against Hilary. Was it hard for her, seeing her best friend in a relationship whilst she remained single? Neither of them had been particularly good with relationships in the past, but she had always seemed more than okay with it; they had joked about it and he was sure that over time she and Hilary would become friends.

He dialled Nikki's number and raised the phone to his ear. When he got no answer, he pictured her spread out on her sofa, trying to ignore the ringing. When it clicked onto her answering machine, he left the simple message, "Don't leave."

Did he know? Had he realised? A large part of her wished to God that he had. Forget self respect and any fears of seeming desperate. She wanted him, her thoughts had all suddenly become full of him and her body ached for him, but she could never admit it, not whilst he was with _her, _because she couldn't do that to another person, no matter how much she wanted to. Why did she have to realise that she loved him? Why couldn't she remain blissfully unaware of her feelings, happily thinking that her feelings for him were purely platonic?

The days when Hilary popped in at lunchtimes to see him or had joined them for after-work drinks had often left her in tears, feeling pathetic and ridiculous. It was just a matter of time before they got married; two weeks earlier she had seen him browsing jewellers' websites, and it was at that point she knew that she just couldn't stand it any longer. She would force herself to their wedding, she would do that for Harry, but she couldn't put herself through the pain of watching him slowly grow away from her as she remained alone, forever unable to move on, and that was why she had to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the great response to the last chapter, I'm glad you're liking it! Thanks to Nicky, Caramelchan, langfieldl and Harry-Nikki-love for reviewing! Reviews do make me very happy! xD  
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**This chapter's a bit longer than the last, so yeay! I think the rest of them are all about this length.**

**Enjoy!

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****Chapter Two**

Harry didn't leave his kitchen that night, he just sat at his table pondering the situation, racking his brain as to why she was leaving and how he could stop her, but he came to nothing. He knew it must be something to do with Hilary, but he and Nikki had been friends for six years now, if there was anything romantic between them, well surely he'd know by now? Of course there had been that time when they had come close to starting something before everything with Penny happened, but that was years ago!

He considered what his own feelings towards Nikki were; he knew he would do anything for her, that he loved spending time with her, that he couldn't imagine his life without her, but did that mean that he loved her?

Harry had assumed that Nikki had been in long-term relationships before she had met him, but he hadn't even thought that she hadn't been in one in the last six years _because_ she had met him. _She couldn't possibly… she does doesn't she? _He knew at that point that he would stop at nothing short of begging her to stay.

He picked up his coat and headed for the door, but as he opened it there was someone on the other side of it, her key held out in front of her, about to let herself in, "Oh… Hilary." He had almost forgotten about her.

"Hey Honey," She kissed him on the cheek before lifting up the bag she was carrying to show him, "I've brought breakfast!" she grinned.

He looked at his watch, "I hadn't even realised that it was morning yet?"

She looked at him quizzically, following him through to the kitchen "You haven't slept? Harry have you even got changed?" She eyed his crumpled shirt and trousers.

"No, I…" He couldn't think of a decent explanation, "I had loads of stuff to do for work." He sat back at the kitchen table.

Hilary sat down on his lap and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, "Well I hope you aren't too tired Harry; it's you day off today." She bent down to kiss him, "I thought we could go out for a picnic later; it's a gorgeous day, so I don't think we should be spending _all _of it inside." She grinned.

That look in her eyes… he couldn't do it to her; he couldn't run after Nikki and leave her behind, breaking her heart. She didn't deserve that, not Hilary, "A picnic sounds great."

She snuggled into him, "I love you Harry."

"Me too." He replied honestly. But could he just let Nikki go without any fight at all?

Nikki waited, she waited all morning. She didn't know quite what she was waiting for though. It was a relatively quiet morning at the Lyell Centre and she was spending the majority of it doing paperwork, waiting to be called out to what would be her last scene whilst working here.

"Did you do Simon Reading's PM?" Leo asked, bringing her a cup or coffee during his break.

"First thing this morning," she took a much needed mouthful of coffee, "Undiagnosed aortic valve stenosis, as we thought."

Leo pulled a chair over from Harry's desk and sat beside Nikki, "Have you told him yet?" He had felt awful the day before, not being able to tell Harry what was going on.

Nikki nodded, "Yeah, last night." She said sadly, slumping down in her chair.

"How did he take it?"

She didn't want to let him know that she had been too gutless to tell him properly, "I don't know. He said don't leave, but it's not like he's made any effort to try and get me to stay. Not that he should have to." She quickly added.

Leo wondered why something that seemed so obvious to him had completely escaped Harry's attention. It had even escaped Nikki's attention until recently, "I don't know how he can be so blind."

Nikki looked up at him, her eyes widening a little, "What do you mean?" _Did he know? How did he know?_

Leo sighed, "You know exactly what I mean Nikki. I've spent the last five years trying to resist bashing the pair of your heads together!"

Nikki looked back down, "You won't say anything to him will you?"

"You don't have to go Nikki, I'm sure this thing with Hilary won't last forever."

"And you know that how? They love each other!" she trying to hide her trembling lip, "And even if it doesn't last, am I just supposed to wait around, wishing for their relationship to crumble so that I can jump in and get what I want? And that's if he'll even have me." She took a deep breath, "No, I have to leave; it's the only way that we can all be happy again one day."

She waited, but he didn't come.

"You should try and stop her!"

Harry didn't know exactly what reaction he would get from Hilary when telling her about Nikki leaving, but he hadn't expected that, "Really?"

She laughed, "Yes really; she's your best friend!" She kissed the end of his nose.

Harry looked at her, laid out beside him, naked under the thin sheets, "You're so brilliant." He said seriously.

"Uhm, okay," She raised her eyebrow, "That's nice to know! Are you okay Harry?"

He nodded, "Yeah, just some women might be jealous."

"Well I'm not 'some women' am I?" She smiled sweetly, "I'm not going to go all maniac on you and demand that you can't have any friends that are women! I know how much Nikki means to you."

_If she really did know how much Nikki meant to him would she still be lying here beside him now?_, "Thank you."

"Well what are you waiting for? Go!" she gave him a playful shove, "I hate seeing you unhappy Harry."

He kissed her goodbye as he pulled on his trousers and shirt, "Thank you," he repeated, "I don't deserve you." He told her before leaving her to wonder what he meant by that.

Twenty minutes later he arrived outside Nikki's apartment building. He stood outside it for a further seven minutes ringing the bell, _Did she know that it was him ringing the bell? Was she ignoring him? _

"You're Nikki Alexander's friend aren't you?" A man came up behind him. Harry recognised him as being Nikki's next-door neighbour, "I'm afraid you've just missed her."

"Missed her?" He looked at his watch; she should have only just come home from work at this point, "Did she say what time she'd be back?"

The man looked confused, "Well… she's not coming back, is she? She's moving to Africa."

Harry's mouth fell open, "What, now? Today?" _Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit._

"Yeah, I thought you were her friend? In fact I used to think you were her boyfriend until you came around with that brunette girl a couple of months ago." He wondered why he knew more about Nikki that her friend did

"Thanks for telling me, I'm going to… I'm going to have to go." The worry on his face was evident, the fear that he would never see her again. He pulled out his mobile and frantically found Nikki's number, "Pick up, pick up, pick up!" He growled at his phone, "Nikki, don't go, not until we can say goodbye at least, don't go!" He begged her voicemail.

Try as she might, Nikki just couldn't stop herself bursting into tears in the back of the taxi that was taking her towards Heathrow. She knew it was a bad idea, but she replayed Harry's message anyway. She just felt horrible, horrible for leaving him and for feeling this way.

"Are you okay love?" The taxi driver asked, concerned.

She nodded, "I'll be fine, thank you." She had just had to leave; she couldn't drag it out any longer. She had been waiting for him to come and beg her to stay, and that was part of the reason she was leaving in the first place; she couldn't expect him to do that, she herself couldn't do that to Harry or to Hilary because she was better than that.

Her flight wasn't until the following afternoon, but she had decided to book herself into a hotel close to the airport. She had already packed two suitcases full of clothes and essentials, and Leo had already agreed to send over her furniture and the rest if her possessions in a few weeks time once she had got herself settled in her new job. She would stay with Sara until she sorted out a place of her own, and thus her new life would begin, though due to the setting in many respects in was more like her old life. Either way, it was a life without Harry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's chapter three! Thanks to Nicky, Charlotte and Harry-Nikki-Love for reviewing the last chapter! I'm glad you liked it and I'm always so grateful for reviews! I'd absolutely love to know who else is reading it, so if anyone fancies dropping me a note to let me know, it'd be much appreciated! =D  
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**This chapter's a bit shorter than I thought it was- sorry!**

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**Chapter Three**

"So tell me why you left. _The real reason._" Sara insisted, pouring her friend another glass of wine, "I know that it wasn't just the job. For one thing, there was no need to get out here so quickly, you don't start for over a week, and for another you loved it there in England, I know you did."

Nikki rolled her eyes, _she just _has_ to ask, doesn't she?, _"There's really nothing more to it."

Sara lit some candles as the sun started to set across Cape Town, "I have always been able to tell when you're lying Niks. It's something to do with Harry isn't it? Have you two fallen out?"

"You don't move to another continent, another hemisphere just because you've fallen out with someone." She sipped her wine trying to avoid eye contact with her friend, "Any way, enough about me, how have the kids been?"

"You've not denied that it's something to do with Harry." Sara continued with the topic, "Niks are you crying?"

She wiped her eyes with her cuff, "Yeah, I've been doing that a lot lately, spontaneously bursting into tears." She tried to smile, but her emotions wouldn't let her.

"So I take that as a 'yes it is Harry'? You like him, don't you?" She asked putting her arm around her friend, "And he's met someone else, hasn't he?" She asked after she received a nod.

"Her name's Hilary. Gorgeous, brunette, two inches taller than me, five years younger than me, Language professor and all-round genius, and what makes it worse I think she's the loveliest person I've ever met. She's not even lovely in an annoying way, which makes it impossible to hate her." She leant forward and rested her head on the table in front of them, staring at the sunset.

"Oh dear! And it's serious between them? The M word and the B word have been mentioned?"

If Nikki had been drinking her wine at that moment then she would have splurted it out all over the table, "B word? Babies?" She spluttered, "No, I mean, once he said that maybe if he was younger, but…" She could barely consider the prospect.

"But she is younger Nikki, she must be, what, thirty?" She didn't want to have to tell Nikki this, she wanted to say 'Of course they'll never have children Niks, and of course one day he'll come running back to you!'

"Twenty nine" She sat up, "Well if that doesn't make me feel better about moving away, I don't know what will! I could cope with a wedding, but I'm not sure I could deal with that."

"When did you realise that you loved him? I mean you can't have known for all of this time." She didn't know whether this probing was really a good idea, but she thought it might help her to talk about it.

"They had been together for about a month, which was already longer than his average relationship, and they went away to Venice for a long weekend… I don't know what it was about that, but it just made me realise that this relationship might just last, and at first I didn't know why this bothered me so much, but eventually it dawned on me." She told her sadly, "And from that point I couldn't bear to be around the pair of them, and yet they were there all of the time. I lasted another two months, then a couple of weeks ago I found him looking for engagement rings on the internet… and here we are."

"Sounds like a mess. Are you sure that this was the right thing to do Nikki?" Sara asked.

Nikki shrugged, "I couldn't stay there, I couldn't watch them fall more and more in love with each other, live out there lives together. This way they can both be happy and one day I can be too."

"I'm so sorry Harry. I'm sure this won't be forever." Hilary comforted her boyfriend as they returned to his apartment. Nikki had just rang him to let him know that she was in South Africa and was safe, but yet again it had been left to voicemail, "She'll be back to visit at some point at the very least."

"I just can't believe that she'd do that, that she'd up and leave without so much as a goodbye! The last time I saw her face to face everything seemed fine… and that might be the last time I ever see her face to face." He couldn't imagine never seeing Nikki again, he couldn't even imagine turning up to work everyday and her not being there.

"I know it's not what you want to hear right now Harry, but things will get easier. And you'll always have me." She went into the kitchen to turn on the kettle, "I'll skip work tomorrow, we'll do something nice."

He followed her into the kitchen and placed his arms around her waist, "Ahh but I have three corpses waiting for me and you have 200 students waiting for you. You've got that big Hebrew lecture thingy tomorrow, remember?"

She sighed, "Oh the joys! I guess I won't be taking tomorrow off then. Actually I should be preparing for that right now." She pulled his arms tighter around her waist and stretched up to kiss him, "But I can think of better things to be doing."

"Now that's dedication Professor Wolfe!" He rested his head on the top of hers, breathing in the smell of her hair, trying to dispel all thoughts of Nikki and doing so unsuccessfully, "You don't get to be a professor before you're thirty without a little dedication."

"Are you trying to suggest that I slept my way to the top Doctor Cunningham?" She smirked, turning around to face him whilst his arms were still wrapped tightly around her so that her chest was pressed right up against his.

"With that innocent little face? Never!" He laughed. He gave an extra chuckle as he thought about the rather minimal possibility of that being true. For a few moments his thoughts were away from Nikki, but that night he would dream of her, and the next morning, as his eyes fell upon the sleeping beauty lying beside him he would feel so guilty for doing so.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for how long this has taken; I had meant to post a chapter every other day at the very least but I lost track of time (and got addicted to True Blood... not much has gotten done these past few days!)!**

**Thanks for the reviews Charlotte and Silver-Ashes! I really appreciate them! **

**One chapter to go after this! But I'm already planning a sequel! =D  
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**Chapter Four**

Four months passed and life went on. Nikki had finished the job that she had initially gone out there to do and was now back working with Sara, Hilary had moved into Harry's apartment and was now sporting a rather large diamond on her left hand.

But they weren't happy.

"You're two hours late." Hilary asked as Harry came in from work, "You didn't call me."

"Sorry, double murder, it got messy." He threw his coat down onto the sofa and went to pour himself a gin and tonic

"We were supposed to be talking to the vicar." She shouted through to the kitchen. She knew that his working hours weren't strict, and she was fine with him being late, but when he didn't call her and she didn't know where he was, well it bothered her, "Have you sorted out your guest list?" she had been nagging him for a week about this.

"Yeah I left it in here." He brought it through from the kitchen with his drink and sat down beside her.

Hilary looked it over, "Nikki's not on here?"

"No." He said simply and left the conversation there making it clear that he didn't want to talk about it.

He never wanted to talk about it, and yet it was always there. Nicola Alexander unwittingly had such a strong hold on their relationship, even whilst she was halfway across the world, "Okay." She replied, and left it like that. She always left it like that, she never pushed it further.

"Guess who was just on the phone again?" Sara brought Nikki a cup of coffee as they took a five minute break from work.

Nikki sighed, "Anton."

"I could just get Pieter to have a word with him, it would be no bother." Sara was almost as fed up with Anton trying to get back in touch with Nikki as she was, "You've been avoiding him for four months now, I don't think he's going to get the message any time soon Niks."

"I know." She hadn't known how to tell Anton that she didn't feel the same way about him even when they were together. She had made out that the main reason as to why they couldn't be together was distance, but now that there wasn't any distance, she couldn't really think of another excuse.

"We'd better get back to work." Sara said, knowing that they'd be picking the subject up again later that day.

Nikki couldn't honestly say that she preferred working here to working in England what with the amount of bodies and murders and the lack of money, but at least it was keeping her busy, keeping her sane. She didn't have time to think about Harry in the daytime, and often in the evenings she was so exhausted that she didn't have the energy to think about him then either.

She knew that her life still revolved around Harry; every waking moment she was trying to avoid thinking about him in one way or another and then every night she dreamt of him. How long would it take to get over him? How long would it be until her life was no longer a pathetic misery? She felt like a hormonal teenager, hung up on some guy and unable to live her life without him. This wasn't the Nikki Alexander that she had built herself up to be over the last twenty years, she had been totally independent since she was fifteen years old and she had never let a man stop her from doing anything.

But this man was different and he would always be different. In the past after splitting up with someone, she had always counted on the fact that there was someone better out there, someone more suited to her, but that someone was Harry Cunningham, and there really was no one better for her.

Hilary sat on the living room floor, laying out all of the different pieces of paper and fabric samples and everything else that had any relation to the wedding on the floor in front of her, "Harry, we need to decide which shade of purple we want for the seat covers." She held up two pieces of cloth.

Harry shrugged, "You choose."

Hilary sighed; she could cope with him not being bothered about the colour of the seat covers, she wasn't entirely sure if she cared herself, but he didn't seem to be bothered about anything related to the wedding and she was becoming sick of hearing him say 'You choose'. She placed the pieces of fabric back down on the floor, "Have you phoned the suit shop about Kieran yet?" Her younger brother had grown about an inch since he had been measured up.

"Oh sorry, I'll do it later." He picked up a newspaper and stretched himself across the sofa.

It was times like this that Hilary just wanted to cry. She knew that all of these things weren't big problems in themselves, but she just wanted to know that he cared, and not just about the wedding but about her too. She moved towards the sofa until she was knelt by his head. She pulled down the newspaper and bent in to kiss him.

He pulled away, "Hilary, not now, I'm trying to read this."

"For goodness sake Harry!" She shouted almost hysterically, a tear in her eyes, "Not now! Not now! Do you know how long it's been Harry? We're not even married yet!"

Harry was shocked at her sudden outburst; this just wasn't in her nature, "Bloody hell Hilary! I didn't realise you were so obsessed!"

"Obsessed?" She laughed disbelievingly, "You're the one who… when we first got together… Harry this isn't about the sex!"

"Then what is it about?" He stood up to face her, his voice starting to rise too.

She brought her hand to her forehead, "It's about me and you. You ignore me, you put no input into the wedding. Do you even care about me?"

"Of course I care about you!" He said defensively, almost as though he couldn't understand why she might think otherwise.

"You know, scratch what I said a second ago, this isn't about me and you… it's about me and you and Nikki Alexander." There, she'd said it, what she'd wanted to say for nearly four months now.

"What do you mean?" He asked knowing full well what she meant.

Hilary took a deep breath, already hating herself for what she was about to do, "I mean that it's now just the two of us in this relationship," she said calmly, "I know you think about her all of the time, more than you think about me. I know that you won't talk about her, that you still feel hurt that she left you. And I know that I'm the second prize, even though you didn't know it when you won me."

Harry wanted to deny it, but he knew that every word she had said was true, "I'm so sorry Hilary, you deserve so much better than me."

"I know I do." She said, silent tears running down her cheeks, "I love you more than anyone in the world, I would give up anything to be with you… anything but my self respect as I need someone who feels the same about me, and you don't. You can't. But it's not your fault."

He sat back down on the sofa, "So where do we go from here?"

Hilary sat beside him, "Well one thing's for sure, the wedding's definitely off. I can't believe I had the guts to do this, to admit that it wasn't working."

"I'm so sorry Hilary. I do love you, please know that. I just wish that I could give you all of the love that you deserve." He put his arm around her.

"You have to go after her Harry, tell her how you feel, because I'm not losing this relationship for nothing. I want you to be happy." She looked into his eyes, trying to take in every part of him, knowing that this might be the last time that she would ever be so close to him.

"I think you're just about the most amazing woman I've ever met Hilary Wolfe." He placed a stray bit of hair behind her ear, stroking her face in the process.

"Too amazing for my own good I think, letting you go." She was near breaking point, "We couldn't have been happy together, not really. You couldn't have been happy with me and we just both would have grown more and more miserable." She stroked his face in return, "But I can't quite believe that this is the end."

He leant forwards, placing his hands around her face as she did the same in return, "I'll miss those wicked blue eyes," he smiled sadly, "I'll miss you." He brought his lips to hers.

She reciprocated. She knew that it would probably be healthier to just leave it at goodbye, but she wanted this. She wanted to memorise every part of him, every millimetre of his body and the way that it moved. She didn't want to say goodbye.

Afterwards they lay wrapped around each other on the living room floor, the carefully ordered piles of wedding planning 'stuff' now strewn around them like a blanket of confetti. Neither of them spoke, both of them knowing that each second that passed was a second closer to it being over. They lay there for hours, keeping warm by each other's body heat and ignoring the grumbling in their bellies.

Darkness fell upon them as night closed in as they waited for one of them to finally end this slow and painful, yet so beautiful death, "You should go." Hilary finally whispered, scared to move.

Harry kissed her neck, "I know." He sat up and reached around for his clothes.

"You'll need your passport." She said, unable to look at him.

"It's at work." He told her, pulling on his underwear.

They were both there for a further five minutes as Harry got dressed and found his wallet. Hilary just lay there, naked and still on the living room floor, staring at nothing in particular, her eyes hurt and hollow as she waited for him to leave.

When he was finally ready he knelt beside her and kissed her for one final time, "Goodbye Hilary."

As soon as she heard the door slam shut, her whole body curled up and her face crumpled. She let out a painful, melancholic wail, grieving for what she had just lost.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the delay; I've been neglecting you!**

**So this is the last chapter! Apologies for the amount of soppyness! **

**I'm writing another SW fic at the moment, my take on how they can write in Emilia's pregnancy! And after that hopefully I'll be writing a sequel! I do have a few idea's bashing around, but I don't really know what form it'll take- could be a oneshot or could end up being longer than this fic! If I had originally planned this one to be a multichapter then it probably would have ended up being longer!**

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! Thanks to Nicky, Charlotte, doctorwho-fanatic2010, Harry-Nikki-Love and langfieldl. I've a feeling I didn't reply to one of your reviews because ff. net was playing up... big hugs and an apology if it was you!**

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**Chapter Five**

This was it, this was the moment that he had guiltily dreamt about for months whilst his fiancé was sleeping beside him. Well not quite _this_ moment as he was currently two hours into the twenty three hour long flight from Heathrow to Cape Town, but he was going to see _her, _and he was going to tell her how he felt, even though he didn't quite know himself. He just knew that he loved her.

"I love her." He whispered. He had tried to keep his thoughts away from this possibility over the past few months and he had never been able to admit it to himself before now. He knew that he had left Hilary for her, then of course he loved her.

He didn't know how he would survive the next twenty two hours, his whole body was shaking with anticipation. He imagined what her reaction would be to seeing him there, what her reaction would be when he told her how he felt.

What if she didn't feel the same? He still didn't really know why she left, maybe it was simply because she'd been offered a good job in South Africa and hadn't cared enough to say goodbye or keep in touch. But unless the last few years had been a lie and Nikki had been a bloody good actress, he knew that Nikki cared, that she wouldn't leave without a real reason. He just clung onto the hope that that reason might have been something to do with loving him.

Nikki stared across the board at Sara's youngest son Christopher, who was slowly and thoughtfully deciding which piece to play, "You're taking this long just to annoy me aren't you? Trying to psych me out."

"You should have gotten used to that by now." Christopher grinned. Every Sunday afternoon for the last month or so she had played a game of chess against Sara's sons, who were both surprisingly good, "Check."

"How the-?" She stopped herself from swearing, "You know, we're going to have to find a different game to play soon, one that I'm better at."

Christopher laughed, "Fed up with losing to an eleven year old?"

Nikki was slightly reluctant to admit that she was, but she didn't have to when Sara's other son Oliver interrupted the game, "Nikki, there's someone at the door for you."

"Oh, did they say who they were?" She asked

"No, but it was a man." He told her raising his eyebrow.

Christopher laughed, "Ooh does Nikki have a boyfriend?"

"Sush you two!" She laughed before going to the door. She sighed when she saw who it was, "What are you doing here?"

"You've been ignoring all of my calls Nikki. You've been here for months and I've not even spoken to you. I thought you knew that I loved you."

_Why was this happening? _"But I don't love you Anton. I'm sorry. You've got to stop doing this Anton, you've got to stay away from me." She walked back inside.

He followed her in, "But Nikki, please! What we had, we could have that again now that you're here! I know that Silhe and Nolitha would love to see you again."

She turned around to face him, "You can't use your daughters to guilt trip me into going out with you Anton!"

"What's going on here?" Pieter had been at the other end of the garden with Sara and some of their friends but had come in to see what was going on.

"Anton was just leaving." Nikki told him, reluctant to cause a fuss.

When Anton didn't move, Pieter walked over to him, "I think you had better do what Nikki says mate."

Anton didn't say a word, but he glared at Nikki and Pieter as he left.

"You okay Nikki?" Pieter asked after the door had closed.

"Fine, thanks Pieter." She sighed and turned to go back outside when the doorbell rang. They both turned to look at it, "Don't worry Pieter, I'll deal with it." She answered the door, "For goodness sake Ant-" her mouth opened wide in shock as she realised who it was stood on the doorstep.

"Surprise." Harry said straight faced. Nikki was even more stunning than he remembered.

"Harry? Oh my God Harry!" She leapt at him and wrapped her arms around him, "Harry what are you doing here?"

Harry grinned; so far things were going smoothly, "I came to see you."

Nikki drew back from him, remembering why she had left in the first place, "Is Hilary here too?"

Harry shook his head, "We decided to end things."

"You didn't hurt her did you Harry? You have a habit of hurting the people that you break up with." She sighed, still overjoyed at the fact that he was here with her.

"Unintentionally, yes I did," He admitted, "But we did part on amicable terms. We'll both be happier this way."

She invited him in, knowing that he must be exhausted after the flight. After saying hello to everyone at the party and introductions to those Harry hadn't met when he had been here before, they went to a secluded corner of the garden, away from prying eyes.

Nikki stood close to him, "Why are you really here Harry?"

"I could ask you the same question." Harry watched Nikki look down at the floor when he said this, wanting to avoid looking into his eyes and perhaps giving away the truth, "Hilary and I, we split up because I loved someone else."

Her head flicked up, "I left England because the person I loved, he loved someone else."

Harry smiled, his bottom lip shaking a little, "Nikki…" he had gone over this moment a million times in his head over the last twenty four hours, but he didn't know what to say.

"I love you Harry, I just wish I had realised sooner." She told him sadly.

He moved closer to her so that their bodies were almost touching, "You know I could say the exact same thing." He wiped a tear of Nikki's cheek.

She started to shake as Harry's flesh came into contact with hers, "You mean it Harry? You mean you…" She drifted off, desperately wanting to hear him say the words.

"I mean I love you Nikki. And I don't know how I ever thought otherwise." _This _was the moment he had been waiting for, these few seconds as they gazed into each others eyes, their heads moving inwards and their eyes closing as their lips connected and their arms wrapped around each other in a soft embrace that gradually became tighter.

"I don't want this moment to end," Nikki whispered into his ear as they stood holding onto each other for dear life, "For the last six months this has been all that I've wanted."

Harry felt her tears on his chest, seeping through his shirt, "It won't end Niks, I won't let it. It will just be me and you forever."

* * *

**So that's it! Apologies if you want to throw up now!**


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